Purity Culture and the Silence That Shaped How We See Sexuality

By: Abbrielle Schenck, MS, LMFT-A

Becoming Ever Free Therapy

For many women, the first conversations we remember about sex were not really conversations at all. They were warnings. Awkward talks. Vague instructions. Or complete silence.

Maybe it happened at church camp, where the boys and girls were separated into different rooms. Maybe it happened during youth group, where the message felt clear even if it was never said directly. Stay away from sex. Do not think about it. Do not ask questions. And definitely do not talk about it.

For some of us, that silence was framed as protection. Adults believed they were guarding our hearts by keeping us in the dark. But for many women, that silence did not create safety. It created confusion, fear, and shame around our bodies and our desires.

If you grew up in purity culture, or even in a faith environment shaped by it, you may still be carrying the impact of those early messages today.

The Unspoken Rules of Purity Culture

Purity culture often communicated its beliefs indirectly. Instead of open conversations, we absorbed ideas through tone, rules, and expectations.

Some of the most common messages sounded like this:

Sex is dangerous.
Desire is suspicious.
Talking about sex invites sin.
Good girls do not think about these things.
Your worth is tied to how well you control your body.

Even when those messages were not stated outright, they were reinforced through praise, silence, and fear based teaching. Many women learned that being curious about their bodies or their sexuality meant they were doing something wrong.

To cope with the discomfort, we learned to laugh it off. We used euphemisms instead of real words. We joked with friends so we would not have to name what felt awkward or confusing inside. Humor became a way to survive conversations that never felt safe.

But underneath the jokes and avoidance, something deeper was happening. We were learning to disconnect from a part of ourselves that God created on purpose.

When Silence Creates Shame Instead of Safety

Silence is powerful. When something is never talked about, the brain fills in the gaps. Many women internalized the belief that sexuality itself was shameful, not just certain behaviors.

For some, being praised as the “good girl” meant learning that curiosity was dangerous. For others, the message was that ignorance was holiness. Either way, sexuality became something to suppress rather than understand.

From a faith based perspective, this is not how Scripture speaks about the human body or desire. The Bible consistently points toward formation of the heart, not fear of the body. But purity culture often focused more on avoidance than formation.

Instead of being taught how to steward desire, many women were taught to ignore it. Instead of learning how to listen to their bodies, they were taught to distrust them.

That silence followed many women into adulthood.

When Adulthood Hits and the Rules Stop Working

Eventually, adulthood arrives and the rules no longer make sense.

Sex is everywhere. In media. In advertising. In books. In conversations. Some women get married and are suddenly expected to flip a switch from avoidance to confidence overnight. Others remain single and feel unsure how to carry desire faithfully.

Many women find themselves asking questions they were never allowed to ask before:

Why do I still feel shame even though I am married?
Why does intimacy feel confusing or disconnected?
Why do I feel desire but also guilt at the same time?
Where is God in all of this?

For women who experienced sexual harm or boundary violations, these questions carry even more weight. Their confusion did not come from curiosity or choice. It came from trauma. And silence did not protect them either.

If this is part of your story, it is important to say clearly. What happened to you was not your fault. Your body is not broken. Your story still matters.

Why Sexual Struggle Is Not a Lack of Faith

One of the most damaging effects of purity culture is the belief that sexual struggle means spiritual failure.

Many women believe that if they truly trusted God, they would not feel desire, confusion, or tension around sexuality. But Christian therapists like Juli Slattery and Doug Rosenau have long pointed out that sexual struggle often comes from a person’s story, not their beliefs.

You can understand what Scripture teaches and still carry old messages underneath the surface. Those messages form early. They are shaped by family, church culture, trauma, and silence. They live in the nervous system, not just the mind.

From both a clinical and faith based perspective, this matters. It allows room for compassion. It helps women see that healing is not about trying harder or being more disciplined. It is about understanding what shaped them and inviting God into those places with gentleness.

Sexual confusion does not mean you are failing God. Often, it means something in your story needs care.

What Scripture Actually Emphasizes

When we step back and look at Scripture as a whole, purity is never reduced to sexual performance. The Bible speaks repeatedly about purity of heart, formation of the inner life, and alignment with truth.

Proverbs tells us to guard our hearts because everything flows from them. Philippians speaks about shaping the mind toward what is true, honorable, and life giving.

Purity, in this sense, is not about being untouched or impressive. It is about becoming whole.

For many women, purity culture taught them to avoid desire. Scripture invites us to allow God to shape desire. One approach leads to fear. The other leads to formation.

When desire is treated as something to hide from God, it grows distorted. When desire is brought into the light of God’s presence, it can be healed, guided, and understood.

The Cost of Not Talking About Sexuality

When faith communities avoid honest conversations about sexuality, culture fills the gap.

Romance novels, pornography, social media, and entertainment begin to define what intimacy is supposed to look like. These sources often emphasize intensity over connection, performance over safety, and fantasy over presence.

Many women were never given a holistic theology of sexuality. Instead, they were given a list of rules without understanding the heart behind them. When the rules eventually failed, shame rushed in.

This is why so many women feel stuck between faith and desire. They want to honor God, but they do not know how to make sense of their bodies, longings, or experiences.

The problem is not that women are asking the wrong questions. The problem is that those questions were never welcomed in the first place.

A Different Way Forward

Healing begins when silence ends.

It begins when women are allowed to name their experiences without fear. When curiosity is met with compassion. When sexuality is understood as part of God’s design, not something outside of it.

If you come from a Christian background, this means remembering that God is not threatened by your questions. He is not surprised by your desires. He is present in your body, your story, and your healing.

If you do not come from a faith background, the same truth applies in a different way. Your body holds wisdom. Your experiences matter. Sexuality is deeply connected to safety, connection, and emotional health.

In both cases, shame does not heal. Silence does not heal. Understanding does.

A Gentle Invitation

If you recognize yourself in this story, you are not behind. You are not broken. And you are not alone.

You are allowed to learn. You are allowed to ask questions. You are allowed to seek healing. You are allowed to build a relationship with your sexuality that feels safe, grounded, and whole.

This is not about rejecting faith or abandoning values. It is about moving from fear to formation. From silence to understanding. From shame to wholeness.

And that journey does not have to be rushed.